How Porn is Destroying YOUR Kids' View of Sex
We have been saying for years that porn is immoral. But even those who don't agree with us on that have got to face the reality that porn is destructive. It harms our perception of sex, our deepest relationships, and, as more research is now showing, our libidos.
Twenty Year Olds and E.D.
This week's Time magazine contained a detailed article written by Belinda Luscombe called "Porn and the Threat to Virility." In it, she documents ugly new disorders like P.I.E.D., Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. This is now more and more common in young, healthy men who cannot get aroused by a real person any more because their brain has been so over-stimulated by porn.
*You can't access the article on Time's site unless you are a subscriber, but my friend Aaron Hanbury of Relevant Magazine has beautifully summarized it's content and the implications for YOUR kids. You can read his article, Porn Addiction is Now Threatening an Entire Generation.
Young Women Learning That Sex is Man-Focused
Then you have the horrible findings of bestselling author Peggy Orenstein in her new book, Girls and Sex. She talked to nearly a hundred girls in their teens and early 20's to determine how this next generation of young women were approaching sex. Because of the prevalence of porn-use among their boyfriends, these girls had come to see sex as a guy-focused experience. As long as the guy was pleased (often via oral sex, the new 3rd base), these girls felt like they were having a positive sexual experience.
*Note that I am not taking a stand on the moral and biblical perspective of sex here. I do that in many other posts here at INFO. What I want to point out about Orenstein's findings is that the pornification of our young people has trained an entire generation of women to think sex is for men. While the prude mothers of our parents' generation did that for us, now we have explicit porn giving us the exact same result.
This is dangerous stuff that WILL impact our kids' future marriages. I write about this in The Talks:
Imagine a young man who learns to gratify himself via explicit images at 14. He makes a normal habit of this for 10 or 12 years. He learns, though experience, that sexual satisfaction requires nothing of him. The girl is always interested. She is always “in the mood.” He can find immediate satisfaction whenever he wants. Sex is easy.
Then, imagine this young man entering a covenant marriage relationship. He soon discovers that the girl requires something of him. For intimacy to happen there must be time, love, attention, romance, and an investment into the relationship. It’s more work than he has ever had to do before. Once the honeymoon is over, he may decide that it’s just not worth the effort. He has developed a ten-year tendency towards sexual laziness that is incredibly hard to overcome.
With that in mind, it could be argued that the most widespread impact of the porn industry is the destruction of sexual intimacy in marriage due to lazy husbands. Of course, no one would argue that the most horrible impact of porn can be found in violent sexual crimes. I am in no way downplaying that. However, for every case of sexual assault, I would imagine that there are hundreds of marriages that are struggling because of men who have been conditioned by porn and have no clue how to love a real woman. Even those who try may be unsuccessful because they have so programmed their bodies to respond to self-stimulation that they find it challenging to perform with their spouse.
According to author Naomi Wolf, “The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as ‘porn worthy.’”
Most parents are already convinced of the power that pornography can have over young men, in general. For many parents of boys, there might be a reluctance to believe that it can happen to their son, in particular. If that is the case, we would do well to remember that this issue is more widespread than ever in today’s youth culture.
Dr. Chap Clark of the Fuller Youth Institute says that 60% of teen boys in America are addicted to porn. He defined “addicted” as 3 visits per week to a porn site at one hour per visit. He also suggested that in upper-class areas where internet access was highly prevalent, the number might be as high as 80%.
If I knew that 60-80% of the teenagers in my community were addicted to meth or heroin, I would be aggressively militant in my attempt to help my kids stay clean. We would talk about it. Often. I also would probably get a police-trained drug dog as our family pet. There would be random drug tests several times per week. I would take this threat very seriously.
Parents Need to Get a Battle Plan
1. Put Safeguards in Your Home
We recommend the Circle Device as a starting place to manage the WiFi in your home. You should double up with monitoring software like Covenant Eyes. But realize, there isn't a magic switch you can throw that will keep your kids from looking at porn. That's why you have to...
2. Have Frequent Conversations
You have to keep talking about porn. Treat it like an addictive drug. Because that's exactly what it is. Start when you kids are young. Make it more meaningful and detailed as they get older. And if you find out your kids are looking at porn, don't forget this important principle. But this is bigger than just a porn thing. That's why you have to...
3. Make the "Porn Talk" a Part of a Bigger Strategy
The hyper-sexual landscape our kids are growing up in requires that parents get comfortable talking about healthy relationships, protecting their kids, and thinking differently from the world. Because the world has gone crazy on this issue. We offer an entire battery of resources that you can find at our website and on Amazon. Our book, DVD, and downloadable audio tools and website are here to help you. But even with good tools, you need to know that you are never alone. That's why we encourage you to...
4. Pray Like Crazy
Pray that your kids make wise choices and that you are sensitive enough to know what they are going through and how you can help them. Pray that God would give them good judgement and that they would choose to guard their eyes and their minds. Pray that they would have a healthy view of their sexuality...one given to them to by God to be expressed and enjoyed in the confines of a heterosexual, covenant marriage.
5. Offer Something Better to Your Kids
On this subject, a friend recently posted on Facebook: "Teach them how to fight sin and desire God much more than anything else. Filters and talks are great but our kids (and us too) need to learn what the Puritans called the expulsive power of a new affection. Not just saying no to sin, but also saying yes to Christ as better." In other words, don't spray a fire extinguisher at the top of the flames. Shoot it at the base of the fire.
