How to Get Sex On the Table
In our kids’ world, sex is already “on the table.” They are constantly bombarded with messages. If you are a parent, then you have to be intentional to get sex “on YOUR table.” What does that mean? Read on to find out….
There has been a great deal of research in recent days on the sexual perspectives and behaviors of teenagers. We can learn a lot about their opinions and their behaviors and the impact these things have on their development. These findings are certainly valuable as they paint a vivid picture of the world in which our kids are living.
However, there is a much more reliable source of information on the effects that these early emotional relationships and sexual experiences are having on our young people. It is the honest and raw stories that are shared us in our ministry to newlywed couples. (We have interacted closely with more than a thousand newlyweds over the past decade in the Marriage Prep Workshops we teach.)
We are shocked at how many of these young couples are struggling sexually. What should be the most rewarding, satisfying and carefree season of their adult lives is often tainted with brokenness and pain. They should be “swinging from the chandeliers,” yet many are struggling.
These young adults are just a few years removed from their intensely emotional teen years. Their memories and experiences are fresh in their minds, but they bring a perspective and a clarity that often comes in the early days of marriage. They certainly don’t have it all figured out yet, but they are far enough along to be able to both reflect on their younger years and to clearly articulate their disappointment.
What we commonly hear from these young married couples is their regret that they failed to save themselves sexually for their husbands or wives. On an emotional level, they wish that they had not given their heart away to so many people.
The guys are surprised that their struggles with lust and pornography do not miraculously disappear once they are married. Many of the girls, reflecting on the times that they felt taken advantage of by many of the boys they dated, express that they felt completely unprotected by their parents.
The most common thing we hear from these sharp, young couples is that they wish their parents had done more to guard their hearts. They wish that their parents had done more to keep them from making the stupid mistakes that they now regret. As they share their stories and we hear their hearts, I often wish we could bottle up their words, put them in a time machine, and share their desperate longings with their younger selves. And with their parents.
Sadly, there is no time machine. These young adults must count on the grace of God to heal their hurts and restore the broken places of their sexuality. Be assured that He can. There may be some struggle along the way, but our God is still in the business of making broken people whole again. For some people, it may be a restoration process they work through all their lives, but our God is capable.
Wouldn’t it be better, though, if parents were empowered to address these things with their children and teenagers before things get too broken? Instead of parents wishing with regret for a time machine that doesn’t exist, wouldn’t it be better if parents looked to God to give them power and direction for how to prepare and protect their kids before they experience the devastating pain of sexual sin?
From all that we have seen in these young adults, we know that it would be much better. For that to happen, parents of children and teenagers have to start talking about sex with their kids. Openly, bluntly, and without pulling any punches.
When we wrote The Talks, our guide for parents, a working title we pitched to publishers was “Get Sex on Your Table.” The point was that, when it comes to our kids, sex is already on the table. It is talked about in their world. They are bombarded with messages everywhere they look. So, parents must be intentional to get these issues on their tables. (Get it?) Parents must frame these conversations at home long before sexuality is defined (wrongly) in the world.
As loving parents, we are going to have to start talking about sex with our kids and we must do it sooner than we think. There must be a sense of urgency that only comes when we take an honest look at the hyper-sexualized culture in which our kids are living.
While you cannot change the culture, at large, you have some control over what happens in your home. You must be determined to help your kids make wise decisions as they navigate our hyper-sexualized culture. It starts by being wiling to talk and then getting a plan. The good news is that you can get started on that today.
Much of this post was excerpted from The Talks: A Parent’s Guide to Critical Conversations about Sex, Dating, and Other Unmentionables. It’s a “soup to nuts” guide to help you start talking comfortably about sex in your home, whether your kids are 5 or 18.
