Are You Hitting a Wall?
You and I are in desperate need of some fundamental things that we cannot easily get in our world today. Our souls regularly need community, connection, and the freedom to experience life.
For the first time in our lives, many of us are going without these things. Sure, Zoom and FaceTime are helping in some ways, but they’re a poor substitute for real connection.
Like most of the world, you have probably been “isolated” for six or eight weeks now. You may be hitting a wall.
Just because it’s happening to everybody else, it doesn’t mean that it’s not taking its toll. We need to be mindful of the depression and anxiety that can come from this lack of real intimacy.
This “new normal” is like nothing most of us have ever experienced. To paraphrase from something I read from author Jill Filipovic:
Psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests that it's no wonder we are feeling this intangible sense of grief and anxiety. It's not just that we're missing out on travel, dinners out, or public worship gatherings. It's that we're also losing the meaning behind all of those things.
A trip isn't just a trip; it's a new and stimulating experience, an opportunity to see things that before you could have only observed through a screen.
A dinner out isn't just a dinner out; it's a moment of indulgence, pleasure and connection with the person across the table.
Worshipping and listening to teaching (in the same room together) gives us a weekly reminder that we are not alone in our commitment a God that is close but that cannot be seen.
A longing to hug a friend, a loved one, a far-away child, or your mom is a primal and fundamental longing for the way touch is so often short-hand for everything we don't find the words to say.
What we must do to care for our hearts.
We are missing out on all of this and more. Hopefully, the end is near, but we don’t really know for sure. In the meantime, we have to do our best to nurture our souls. We need others (and God) to do the same for us.
Until things get back to normal, there are a few things that all of us should be doing:
1. Talk about your feelings.
None of us has any experience with what we are going through, so we need to verbally process. That means you (and your kids) have to talk about it, even if you don’t know what you’re feeling. When we share our perspective with others, it brings light and hope to the darkest places of our souls. So talk! Even if there is no solution or resolution, get your feelings out into the open!
2. Create and maintain rhythms for your kids.
Your younger kids have no real perspective of what’s going on, they just know things are different. You can help keep things normal by keeping up with a usual schedule as much as you can, while integrating some new rhythms that are required by “social distancing.” Just do your best to make life fun and full of laughs. Admittedly, this is hard. Try to do it anyway.
3. Find some alone time.
Having families home from work and school means that there isn’t much quiet time. For moms (or introverts), this is like the air that they need to survive. And some are suffocating. Give yourself permission to close yourself off in your room for a few hours. Take a walk or a drive. Ask your spouse for help with the kids if you must.
4. Go on dates with your spouse.
We have friends with 5 young kids who have a weekly date at home. They have an early dinner, get kids in jammies, and put the kids in front of a movie in sleeping bags. Then, they get some takeout and have a picnic in their backyard, trying NOT to talk about current events or the family schedule. They don’t come in until they know everyone is asleep. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’s their regular effort to stay connected and to press into each others’ hearts.
5. Do your best to stay connected to others.
This is where technology is helping our world right now. Regular Zoom calls with your small group from church is a great idea. Neighborhood block parties (with social distancing) is terrific. Jenifer and I have even had a few “double dates” via FaceTime with couples we like, just to feel normal. It doesn’t solve every problem, but it helps.
6. Seek coaching from a counselor.
If your marriage is struggling or your own anxieties are becoming overwhelming, you may need to seek out some help. Even before the Coronavirus changed our world, more than half of my marriage or pre-marital counseling work was done via FaceTime. Now I’m at a solid 100%. But I’m here for you. If you and your spouse need a third party to coach you through this challenging season, reach out to me.
Can we coach your church or group?
One of the core tasks of our ministry at INFO for Families is to coach and encourage families at live events. Obviously, that’s not happening for the foreseeable future.
In recent days, we have had a few chances to teach online, and we love that. If your church or small group has a regular online meeting with a teaching element, I would love to join you! I could briefly present some content and then have a Q and A time where we could just discuss the topic or chat about what our families are going through. Reach out to us at help@infoforfamilies.com if you’re curious.
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