Lessons from a Sexting Member of Congress
You would think that every politician would have learned something from Anthony Weiner.
When the US Representative from New York’s 9th Congressional District blew up his political career in 2011 by texting nude photos of himself, you would think that every public servant on the planet would have taken note. Think again.
Earlier this week, Katie Hill, a 32 year old congresswoman from California, resigned due to a complicated combination of ethics violation accusations. At the crux of the story was a collection of pictures of Hill in various states of undress that had been posted online and via text message.
Charlotte Alter writes about the Millennial generation’s general acceptance of sexting and the public ramifications in a Time Magazine (online) article titled “Katie Hill is the First Millennial Lawmaker to Resign Because of Nudes. She Won't Be the Last.“ (Alter’s words are in italics below.)
Katie Hill’s story is the perfect conversation starter for parents and teens.
Alter’s article (and the rapid rise and fall of Hill’s political career) illustrates the changing world of technology and sexuality that our kids are encountering every day. This incident can serve as a starting point for a conversation that every parent needs to be having with every teenager in their home.
Alter writes:
“Last year, Hill was one of twenty millennials, most of them women, who won seats in Congress, increasing the generation’s representation sixfold in one cycle and giving voice to the second-largest bloc of eligible voters. Last night, she resigned after nude pictures of her relationship with a female campaign staffer were released online without her consent.
“Since millennials live most of their lives online, it’s only natural that their sex lives have gone digital as well, and Hill was no exception. One 2015 study found that, like Hill, 82% of adults had sexted in the past year, mostly with their partners in a committed relationship. But all those sexual messages can be easily weaponized by disgruntled exes or abusers: a 2016 study from the journal Data & Society found that 1 in 25 Americans—roughly 10.4 million people—have either had their photos posted without their consent or else had someone threaten to do so. For younger women, that figure rose to 1 in 10.”
One statistic I have read is that one in four teenagers have either sent or received a “sext message.” It is becoming so common and accepted that some (absolutely crazy) experts are saying that sexting can be a sign of maturity in a young relationship. It’s nuts.
Sexting is normal in our kids’ generation. So we have to address it.
In the Time magazine article, Alter captures the naïveté of an entire generation about the possible long-term effects of this careless and dangerous practice.
“I never claimed to be perfect,” Hill said in a teary video to supporters. “But I never thought my imperfection would be weaponized and used to try to destroy me.” And yet, the weaponization of imperfection is the defining threat for millennials in public life. So much more is documented for this generation, and therefore so much can be dug up. All of it—nudes, texts with old flames, old Halloween costumes, angry emails, tasteless college jokes—just waiting to be mined and distributed into the court of public opinion.”
If a Millennial in the public eye doesn’t get this, most of our kids probably don’t get it, either. It is a parent’s job to help them understand that there are consequences to what our kids text or post online. What seems innocent or private now can literally blow up their lives.
What should the parent of a teenager do?
This is a topic that you can’t afford to neglect. What our kids do online can and will visit them in the future. As I previously wrote about Justice Brett Kavanaugh, our pasts have a way of following us. You have to act. Here are a few places to start:
1. Tell your kids about what happened to U.S. Representative Katie Hill.
This is a great opportunity to tee up a conversation about sexting and its consequences. Discuss how it seemed fine when her relationship with her husband was fine. But once that relationship soured, her husband was able to weaponize the images.
Use the term “revenge porn.” Porn may sound like a strong word, but our kids need to know that’s exactly what sexting is. Our kids are growing up in a world where the term “d__k pick” has become normalized. They need to know dangerous this truly is. Their reputations and their futures are literally at stake.
2. Have the "Digital Footprint" conversation...often.
You need to inform and then remind them of the significance of what they put online and where they go on the internet. You need to tell them that things are potentially permanent. Even though you may presume that your kids aren't foolish enough to "sext" someone, tell them anyway. (One in four teens have done it at least once. That's a lot of foolish teens.)
Remind them that colleges, employers, and others are regularly looking online to learn about the character of applicants. The stakes are very high, indeed. Give them reasons for your rules and then put clear boundaries in place. I like the restrictions that one mom put on her son's iPhone use, but you don't have to be all that strict. Just make it clear that online use (either on the computer or phone) is a privilege and that there are consequences for irresponsible use.
3. Capture and maintain the hearts of your kids.
Don't miss this. Parents who strive to guide their kids in these areas will meet all sorts of challenges. Your kids will not want you to put parameters on this aspect of their lives. They will think you don't know what you are talking about. They will probably roll their eyes. This will happen to just about all of us. However, if you are giving your kids rules without giving attention to maintaining a love relationship with them, then it will be particularly difficult. You can't shortcut this. We must always remember that our kids need love far more than they need a lecture. And if we try to give a lecture without first giving love, then we probably won't be heard.
There’s help for parents who want to get this right.
We have created a few resources for teenage guys and girls that help parents to have these critical conversations with their kids. These tools have been specifically designed to share truths with young people in a way that mom and dad can then add their perspective.
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