The Broken Sexuality of a (Christian) Mass Murderer
On Wednesday, March, 17, 2021, a 21 year old man named Robert Aaron Long shot and killed eight people at three different Atlanta-area massage parlors. Six of the eight victims were Asian, so the primary narrative has been that the killings were racially motivated. That may be true, but there is apparently more to the story.
From CNN’s initial story on the shootings: “Long indicated to investigators he believed he had a sex addiction and ‘an issue with porn,’ and claimed to see the spas as ‘a temptation ... that he wanted to eliminate,’ Cherokee County sheriff's Capt. Jay Baker said at Wednesday's news conference.”
Sexual addiction is not uncommon, but what caught my attention is that Long was raised in (and baptized in) a Southern Baptist church. In fact, he was quite active. We can assume that he was exposed to many of the typical teachings that many evangelical churches espouse. In my experience, the typical church’s process of “sexual discipleship” (I think I just invented a new term) is either missing, insufficient, or just plain wrong.
Obviously, we can’t blame Long’s upbringing for his actions. But you could make an argument that this horribly troubled young man represents a “worst-case scenario” for someone who is taught all the wrong things about their sexuality in church. He concluded that the only solution for the sexual drives that plagued him was to murder the source of his temptation.
While this young man carelessly destroyed eight lives that were created in God’s image, there are millions more in our churches who are carrying around guilt, shame, self-loathing, and broken relationships, all because they were taught a horrible theology of sex within the faith community. Something has to change.
Has the Church Gotten Sex Wrong?
There has been plenty of open discussion in the past few years about sexuality. The world at large is creating a sexual ethic that has no parameters regarding behavior, no boundaries on the definition of gender, and no restrictions on the freedoms one has, so long as consent is in play.
The world will suggest that the conservative sexual norms embraced universally by every culture on the planet for thousands of years should be cast aside. (Never mind that these structures have been there for a pragmatic reason….they generally work.) Still, the world argues that the church’s archaic value system is dead wrong. In response, the church typically kicks into a defensive posture and argues that we’re just embracing Biblical truth.
But are we really?
There is a whole generation of Christian young people who were raised in the context of what many refer to as “purity culture.” Well-intentioned as it was, these teachings shifted the narrative away from God’s design for biblical sexuality to an over-demonization of sexual sin and the near idolization of sexual purity. If you want to know the negative impact of these teachings that have been dominant in the past 20 years, just google “purity culture damage” and start reading. It’s troubling stuff.
Because our work at I.N.F.O. for Families is focused on this area, we see plenty of people whose sexuality is significantly broken because of past sins and regrets. However, we see just as many people who are broken because they were educated poorly within the Christian subculture.
In many ways, the church swung waaaaay too far to the other side, causing more damage than good. With that in mind, it might be worth sharing some of the lies and inaccuracies that we see commonly taught in churches; distortions that Robert Allen Long likely heard in youth group. I will also try to share some reminders of the truths that we must train the next generation to embrace.
Bad Teachings on Sex….And the Truths We Must Share with our Kids:
1. If you have sex or explore sexual activity before marriage, you are damaged goods.
This is the fundamental message of the “purity culture” movement. Often illustrated by youth ministers using dye in water, spit in a glass, or a rose that has lost all its petals from over-handling, the church has told an entire generation that sexual sin ruins you forever. I can think of no message that is more antithetical to the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the beat-up rose illustration, it is common to hear a youth minister ask his kids, ‘Who would want this once beautiful thing that is now damaged?” Duh. Jesus does. (And that youth minister is a heretic.) Jesus always wants, accepts, and redeems damaged people.
2. Young people of faith don’t struggle with sexual temptation (and confusion) the way the general population does.
We have encountered vast numbers of homeschoolers and conservative parents who think that somehow their kids are exempt. The logic among these parents is that their kids are separate enough from the world that they are immune from sexual struggles. Technology and smartphones have made that a ridiculous notion. Beyond that, the sexual drives within our kids are God-given and they need to be talked about, not ignored.
3. Sexuality is a private thing and shouldn’t be discussed in church.
As people who have committed our ministry lives to educating the church about healthy, God-honoring sexuality, we are still amazed at those churches who choose to respond to the sexual revolution by saying absolutely nothing. It’s like fighting a war where only one side gets bullets. Auuuggghhh! God invented sex and He, therefore, isn’t embarrassed about it. We have to find safe places in our churches to talk about it. Married people need to be coached and parents need to be trained on how to help their kids.
4. Waiting to have sex guarantees a healthy sex life in marriage.
We encounter many young Christians who married as virgins only to discover that sex is still awkward or unfulfilling or even painful. The immediate response for many of these young adults is anger and bitterness against God. “My youth minister promised me that if I saved myself that sex would be awesome. And it’s not.” Sex is beautiful and God-given, but it’s complicated at times. It requires education and communication and a commitment to work through the challenges. That’s true for all of us, whether we are carrying some past baggage or not.
5. Sex is important to men, but not important to women.
Too many Christian books have framed sex as a fundamental desire for men and an obligation for women. But what if those books are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, defining something as reality that God never intended? Recent research (and an amazing new book) by Sheila Wray Gregoire establishes solid evidence that so many of the sexual abuse problems (and typical married sex problems) happening in our world today are rooted in teaching that says women don’t enjoy sex. That narrative needs to change.
6. Sexual sin is worse than other sins. Sexual sins are somehow unforgivable.
In our amplification of sexual sins (in response to an increasingly sexual world), we have inadvertently started believing that sexual sin makes us somehow more guilty before God. Certainly, the fallout in our relationships can be huge, so we have to take it seriously, but a holy God just sees it as sin. Like Adam, our tendency is to run from God when we sin sexually but the most important thing we can do is run towards the God who loves us in spite of our failings. Which leads me to the last wrong thing that our churches are unintentionally teaching…..
7. Sexual sin needs to be managed.
Too often, the church teaches that unbiblical sexual urges need to be squelched by sheer willpower. (How can I discipline my way out of my sex addiction?) If that doesn’t work, an unstable person might turn to more violent means, as might have been the case in the Atlanta shooting. Sadly, we are missing the whole point of the gospel if we think we have the power to change ourselves. The basic message of the New Testament is that God calls us to lead a different life but that we have no hope of pulling it off. That’s where Jesus comes in. He makes everything right.
Any and All Conversations About Sex Must Be Saturated in the Gospel.
When it comes to Robert Aaron Long, please don’t hear what I’m not saying. The church is not to blame for the evil actions of one troubled man. However, he apparently had a belief system about his sexual sin that led him to commit a series of specific murders. We cannot deny that the evangelical church played a part in his education.
As churches and parents, we must recognize the damage done by teaching kids a simple-minded idea of “sexual purity” that entirely misses the point of the gospel. (See this post we wrote that millions of people read that explores this further. ) We must commit ourselves to open honest conversations with our kids about God’s design for sex and why it’s worth aligning our lives with the designs of the One who created sex for our good. But we also must clearly communicate a gospel-centered process of restoration and healing when they mess up. Because they will.
Jesus’ love for humanity is not rooted in our behavior. There is no standard of purity we can achieve that will make Him love us any more. There is nothing sinful we can do that will make Him love us any less. He is committed to pursue and restore us through the power of the cross and the complete forgiveness He offers every person there.
So when you teach a young person about some dimension of sexuality, whether it be through your church or in your home, teach the right stuff about God’s incredible gift of sex. Admit that sexual sin can create a measure of brokenness in us. But also be sure to mention the good news of the gospel. It has been effectively restoring broken people for a good 2,000 years.
There’s help for parents who want to get this right.
At I.N.F.O. for Families, we are committed to creating resources for teenage guys and girls that help parents to have these critical conversations with their kids. These tools have been specifically designed to share truths with young people in a way that mom and dad can then add their perspective.
Our ground-breaking book, The Talks, has helped more than 25,000 parents equip their kids to develop a healthy view of sex and relationships.
Our innovative resource for teen boys, The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness, has given thousands of guys the tools they need to make wise choices about porn, girls, and the direction of their lives.
Meet Me in the Middle offers a God-focused perspective about 10 key issues that teen girls are facing. And it does it in a format that invites a girl’s father into the conversation.
Just ask any of the 10,000+ people who subscribe to our online content each month (or read our reviews on Amazon) and you’ll hear the same thing: I.N.F.O. for Families offers the practical tools families need to face the critical conversations of our day. Get your hands on the resources that will help your kids to get to adulthood with their character and relationships and reputation intact….
